You know that $50 billion dollars that went missing recently? Well I think I found some of it. It's in my 401(k).
Check this out. This is an actual screenshot of my 401(k) account, as reported by Mint.com, a free financial tool that I previously deemed "pretty cool." Now I'm deeming it "amazing beyond belief." Below is exactly how my account is appearing online. I've only edited the image to blur out personal info and to highlight the amount of money that I apparently have in Fidelity's Contrafund.

There's $13 billion in my account? $13 BILLION? Magical. I'm not even joking about this. I'll sign on and show you myself. I have $13 billion in my retirement account. I'll be quitting work immediately.